5 things I hate about...

Empire Total War

To kick us off, I'm going to moan lyrical over the latest instalment in this franchise. So, in no particular order, here we go:

1. Friendly unit AI in battles. If history has taught us anything, it's that no matter how much you tell them to fire at will, line infantry will invariably stand around picking their noses with bayonets having several ounces of lead shot pumped at them repeatedly, with nothing so much as a harsh word thrown in retaliation. 'Concerned: Losing slightly' Yes, me too.

2. Time to play a game. Like the great dynasties of yore, at the rate it takes to proceed through even a short Grand Campaign, I'll have to pass on the mantle of stewardship to my sons and them to theirs if my family is ever going to see a campaign through. Real-time strategy? You're not kidding.

3. Thugees. Yes I know the term is accurate but DAMN, every time I hear the advisor chick's voice saying it I almost snort a lungful of my soup. For some reason I have images of 50-Cent's crew roaming around the sub-continent in their pimped-out carts terrorising rice farmers and cotton weavers. Don't be a menace to South Asia while drinking your lhassi in the jungle.

4. Enemy AI on the campaign map. Watching enemy manoeuvres sometimes feels like you are watching two very stupid dogs chase each other around, waving their tails like these virtual muppets wave their flags with seemingly no sense of purpose to it at all. One unit will march from point A to point B, about face and march to point C. Meanwhile, another, perhaps slightly cleverer muppet (but who really knows) will start from point C and march straight to point A. The end result? Nothing has changed except a wasted turn of movement and the player sitting there giggling uncontrollably as she ponders which region to next meander over and swallow up into her empire.

5. Difficulty. A vegetablised donkey could prolapse onto a board made of solid stupid and that dubious deposit could swallow a couple of valium, play this on hardest setting and STILL easily mince to victory. Hell, I could even play this on the hardest setting and mince to victory (although as point 1 above suggests, probably only using good old auto-resolve (or should I say auto-win by the way but that's technically sneaking in thing number 6 that I hate)). This is also pretty much only theory as due to point 2 above, I've not got a spare year to actually find out. If conquering the world was this easy, America would have done it by now.

*offers pinch of salt*

Got any more?

(((Note this is crossposted from my new blog over at GAX. I'll keep crossposting for a wee while even though it's also kinda doing that automagically. )))

Bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day.

Greetings loyal readers! What a lovely day it is (where I am at least). Inverse seasonally affective disorder it may be but there's something about the sunshine that puts a big dumb grin on my face. I even managed to sit in the beer garden of a pub at the weekend wearing nought up top but a t-shirt. Hailing, as I do, from the frozen north, this is something of a new experience for me and one I'm really looking forward to repeating over the coming months. When I moved down here the improved weather conditions were something I was really looking forward to and while the summer of 2007 was, I'm assured, somewhat disappointing (by my standards it was positively lovely), 2008 was much more promising. Hopefully this trend continues and the summer of 2009 is an absolute roaster.

The Mighty 'Well lodged a crucial 2-1 win against the Arabs at the weekend. Somewhat fortunately, by all accounts. Dundee Utd were denied what looked to be a good shout for a pen and had salt rubbed in the wounds as the 'Well broke up the park and nicked a winner. Harsh times for Craig Levein and the old cliche about these things evening out over the course of the season will be scant comfort to a team who have hit a sticky patch just as the season reaches crunch-time. Not that I'm crying into my porridge for them... Hearts did us no favours by losing at home to Hibs so we're still sitting in 7th for the moment but if we do make the top 6 I'm really confident we can take that 4th spot.

In fantasy land my tactical decisions paid off handsomely. Benching Van der Sar for Schwarzer was an obvious move which most of my rivals replicated, so was less effective than I'd hoped it would be but the rest of the lads did well and I was equal top scorer for the gameweek, moving quietly into 4th spot in the league and now focusing on Mr Bishop, sitting only 20 odd points ahead. I think 3rd is all I have left to fight for as 2nd is over 100 points ahead of me with only 9 (or 10 in Man Utd's case) games to play. There would have to be some utterly amazing results to haul back that much of a deficit.

It's been a while since i dropped a video in for your viewing pleasure, so here's a funky mash-up I've been listening to a fair bit lately.



Stay safe kids.

Bring on the tangerines

Mark McGhee today received his Manager of the Month award for February and gave the credit to the players after a terrific ten game run in the league of 5 wins, 4 draws and just a single defeat (last week to Hearts in a game which no-one can quite understand how the capital side managed to win). Tomorrow we face Dundee United at Fir Park in a more or less must-win match if we are to make that crucial 4th spot and qualify for the Europa League next season. Back to back European campaigns hasn't happened to Motherwell for as long as I can remember. It would be some achievement given the atrocious spate of injuries we suffered towards the tail end of 2008. Last time out against the Arabs, we cuffed them 4-0 on their own patch and they will no doubt be out for revenge but with everybody fit and raring to go I think we should run out comfortable winners. I'm going for 2-0. Sheridan and Shuggy Hughes to score.

Games against Dundee United have held an extra significance for me since December 29th 2007. This was the last Motherwell game I actually went to (and my first since the 5-1 thrashing by Rangers in the league cup final years ago) and was of course marked by the tragic death of our captain Phil O'Donnell, who collapsed during the game and never recovered. On that day the football was magical. We were 3-0 up after half an hour and playing some truly scintillating stuff. It's not just fond memories. We really were that good. I still think about Uncle Phil from time to time and especially about his young family. Mostly when we play Dundee United. What a legend. Thanks for the memories Phil.

Homeward bound

Starting to really look forward to my trip home next week. I miss family and friends of course but it's the little things that you take for granted while you're there that can often be surprisingly important when they're gone. Take square sausage, for example. I used to munch one of these more or less every day. 2 for breakfast at the weekend. Sometimes with fried egg, sometimes with mushrooms, sometimes bacon or potato scone or black pudding, or even some unholy, heart-stopping combination of all of the above. It's no wonder the Scots have such unhealthy cardiology, generally, with crap like this on the menu. But damn! It tastes good. The picture above makes me laugh. It seems the garnish is designed to make it look a lot more fancy than it is!

Usually this is served up on a roll, preferably a Morton's roll. This slightly crispy, slightly chewy bread product is a million miles away from the "baps" we get down in the South. I can't wait to get into Glasgow off the 'plane and go buy one!

Just a shorty today as I'm storing all my bloggy goodness up for later. Ooh aren't you lucky!

It's Monday, bloody Monday...

Wow, Monday comes around fast doesn't it? I had a wicked weekend of doing very little in the way of anything other than chillaxing with my favourite munchkin. I did introduce her to the joys of Rock Band though which was jolly good fun! I think the Hot Spring Perverts have a potential new lead singer...

On Friday I saw Watchmen. Quick capsule review: Not terrible, not amazing. A bit overlong at 2 hrs 45 but otherwise, nothing to write a blog about. I hadn't read the comic first so can't really join in on the debate raging about the ending, or Alan Moore's disassociation with it. I can only take it as I saw it. Distinctly "OK".

No game for Motherwell this weekend due to the cup matches. We lost in midweek to Hearts despite dominating them to bring to an end our 9 game unbeaten run and effectively put to bed our hopes of finishing third. Guess it's between us, Dundee Utd, Aberdeen and Hibs for the final Euro place and we're far from in the driving seat there. On current form, I'm fairly confident we can do it though.

Not much to talk about in fantasy land either. Sneaked up into 4th place in the league, level on points with 5th. REALLY need Blackburn to score on Wednesday night, preferably about 13 goals please, thanks. An Andy Johnson hat-trick wouldn't go amiss either.

Played some live poker last week which was really fun. It's been ages since I've played either live or online and it was good to be flopping cards again. Finished in the money on one and narrowly missed out on the cash places in the other so I'm not too rusty it would seem! Might take a wander up to the casino tonight for a game...

Stay frosty people.